Law of Interpersonal Attraction and the Soulmate Relationships

 

by

M.B. Sharan

Emeritus Professor

PIET, Rourkela

E-mail: mithilasharan@yahoo.co.in

Law of Interpersonal Attraction

Interpersonal attraction is the attraction between people which leads to acquaintances, friendships and intimate relationships. It can be viewed as a force acting between two people that tends to draw them together, connect them, and resist their separation. It is a relatively long-term relationship between two or more people based on emotions like love and liking, regular business interactions, or some other type of social commitment. It takes place in a great variety of contexts, such as family, friends, marriage, work, clubs, neighborhoods, and societies. They may be regulated by law, custom, or mutual agreements, and are the basis of social groups and society as a whole. All relationships involve some level of interdependence and, therefore, people in a relationship tend to influence each other, share their thoughts and feelings, and engage in activities together.

Scientific Explanation

Many factors leading to interpersonal attraction have been studied by psychologists, sociologists, anthropologists and social workers. The most frequently studied factors are: physical attractiveness, propinquity, similarity, complementarity, reciprocal liking and reinforcement.

Physical attractiveness: It is said that love and justice are blind. Many studies, however, do find a relationship between appearance and at least the initial level of attraction. This is because physical appearance is relatively easy to quantify and is one of the most visible characteristics that enter into choosing a partner. Some studies suggest that people are more likely to form long standing relationships with those who are equally physically attractive as they are. Miller and Brehm (2006), for example, found that the probability of acceptance is high in the case of physically attractive persons. According to Murstein (1971), when photos of dating and engaged couples were rated in terms of attractiveness, a definite tendency was found for couples of similar attractiveness to date and engage. The concept of beauty, however, varies from culture to culture. But "there is a fairly universal agreement that the physical appearance of a woman is more central to their overall attractiveness than it is for men" (Wilson and Niyas, 1976).

Propinquity: According to Miller and Brehm (2006), the propinquity effect can be defined as: "the more we see and interact with a person, the more likely he or she is to become our friend or intimate partner." This has been rightly said that both friendships and intimate relationships are most likely to develop between persons who frequently cross each other's paths. This effect is very similar to the mere exposure in that the more a person is exposed to a stimulus, the more he likes it. However, there are a few exceptions to the mere exposure effect. The social allergy effect occurs when a person's annoying habits grow worse over time.

Similarity: "Birds of a feather flock together" points out that similarity is a crucial determinant of interpersonal attraction. According to Morry's attraction-similarity model (2007), there is a lay belief that people with actual similarity produce initial attraction. Perceived similarity develops for someone to rate others as similar to themselves in on-going relationship. Such perception is either self-serving (friendship) or relationship-serving (romantic relationship). Newcomb (1963) also points out that people tend to change perceived similarity to obtain balance in a relationship. Additionally, perceived similarity has been found to be greater than actual similarity in predicting interpersonal attraction. Findings also suggest that interpersonal similarity and attraction are multidimensional constructs (Lydon, Jamieson & Zanna, 1988) in which people are attracted to others who are similar to them in demographics, physical appearance, attitudes, interpersonal style, social and cultural background, personality, interests and activities preferences, and communication and social skills.

Complementarity: Some studies suggest that the "opposites attract." Complementary partners prefer closer interpersonal relationship than non-complementary ones (Nowicki & Manheim, 1991). Couples who reported the highest level of loving and harmonious relationship were more dissimilar in dominance than couples who scored lower in relationship quality (Markey & Markey, 2007). We are attracted to people who complement to us because this allows us to have more and more satisfying interactions and maintain our preferred style of behaviour. Winch and his associates (1955) argue that when the needs of two people combine in a complementary fashion, attraction results.

Reciprocal liking and Reinforcement: No one likes to be rejected. Therefore, we are usually not attracted to others unless the feeling seems reciprocal or two-way. According to Berscheid and Walster (1978), reciprocity rule seems to be the strongest rule of attraction in human relationships. Social exchange theory (Homans, 1961) interprets relationships in terms of exchanged benefits. According to this theory, the decision to begin or continue a relationship depends on the same kinds of factors that operate in economic marketplace: rewards, costs, and available alternatives. It predicts that people regard relationships in terms of rewards obtained from the relationship, as well as the potential rewards from alternate relationships. Rewards make relationship worthwhile and enjoyable whereas costs cause irritation. Therefore, in a relationship, if the obtained rewards are lower and the costs are higher, both the parties may become dissatisfied and unhappy. However, people's expectations of rewards or costs depend on the time invested in the relationship.

To sum up, it can be said that interpersonal relationships are dynamic systems that change continuously during their existence. Like living organisms, relationships have a beginning, a lifespan, and an end. They tend to grow and improve gradually, as people get to know each other, try to have more and more satisfying interactions, and become closer emotionally. One of the most influential models of relationship development has been proposed by Levinger (1983) which is formulated to describe heterosexual, adult romantic relationships, but is applicable to other kinds of relationships as well. According to this model, the natural development of a relationship follows five stages:

  1. Acquaintance: Becoming acquainted depends on several factors -- physical proximity, similarity, first impressions, and a variety of other factors.

  2. Buildup: During this stage, people begin to trust and care about each other. The need for compatibility and such filtering agents as common background and goals will decide whether or not interaction continues.

  3. Continuation: This stage follows a mutual commitment to a long-term friendship, romantic relationship, or marriage. It is generally a long and stable period in which continued growth and development will occur. Mutual trust is important for sustaining the relationship.

  4. Deterioration: Not all relationships deteriorate, but those that do tend to show signs of trouble. Boredom, resentment, and dissatisfaction may occur, and partners may communicate less and avoid self-disclosure. Loss of trust and betrayals may take place as the downward spiral continues.

  5. Termination: The final stage marks the end of the relationship, either by death in the case of a healthy relationship, or by separation.

Spiritual Explanation

Our life is governed not only by the physical laws like laws of electricity, chemistry, hydraulics, atomic physics, and so on but also by the spiritual laws like laws of karma, increase (or decrease), balance, wisdom, attraction and so on. Such spiritual laws like physical laws are universal in nature and are understandable, unchangeable, and inevitable. We, therefore, need to recognize these spiritual laws which are also known as laws of consciousness or laws of mind and spirit.

Many persons believe that the Law of Attraction works by aligning God or the Universe with our wishes. We are all made of energy, and our energy operates at different frequencies. We can change our frequency of energy with positive thoughts, especially by expressing gratitude to God for what He has given to us. According to Scott (2008), "By using grateful, positive thoughts and feelings and by focusing on our dreams (rather than our frustrations), we can change the frequency of our energy, and the law of attraction brings positive things (things of that frequency) into our lives. What we attract depends on where and how we focus our attention, but we must believe that it's already ours, or soon will be."

It's a fact that the physical universe is composed of energy, and ultimately, of thought because energy and mass are convertible. Since each pattern of energy has a unique frequency or vibration, each thought pattern also has a unique frequency or vibration. Emotions are strong vibrational energy patterns. Therefore, powerful emotion -- positive or negative - is bound to draw the thought(s) behind them more quickly into the real life experience. Positive thoughts generate positive emotion and draw positive life experience; negative thoughts generate negative emotion and draw negative life experience. This is the reason why the law of attraction works by using grateful positive thoughts and feelings. "It is the law that determines the complete order in the Universe, every moment of your life, and every single thing you experience in your life. It doesn't matter who you are or where you are, the law of attraction is forming your entire life experience, and this all-powerful law is doing that through your thoughts. You are the one who calls the law of attraction into action, and you do it through your thoughts" (Byrne, 2006).

How to get a Soul Mate?

The term "soul mate" has been used by different authors in different ways. Recently, the concept of meeting our soul mate has become so popular that there are hundreds, if not thousands, of books and articles to suggest how to attract ONE into our life. They say that there are souls we have experienced with in our past lives or are experiencing at this time in different bodies, and with whom, we have a feeling of deep and natural affinity, friendship, love, intimacy, sexuality, and/or compatibility. Soul mates can have various types of relationships, which do not always include romantic love or sex. They can be close friends, co-workers, teachers, or others who have influenced our life in one way or the other. They play the emotional, spiritual, physical, and mental games with us and are affecting our relationships in a positive or negative way. For some persons, a soul mate relationship is one in which there are no challenges, no conflicts, no strife, only the opportunity to explore one another as equals, sharing joys, consoling sorrows, and being indivisible when united as one. For others, however, such a relationship is not so much as an immediate reality but rather as a goal toward which they can grow. Regardless of whether it is seen as something created or something destined from birth, most individuals perceive a soulmate relationship as being preferable to "just a relationship."

 

Some persons are of the opinion that the term "soul mate" cannot be used in plural form (soul mates) because every one has only one soul mate. And this soul mate is the other half of that person (male or female) waiting for reunion and reconnection in the present like twin flame. Twin flame is supposed to be someone with whom one has spent lifetime after lifetime in the past with an endless exchange of love, romance, and relationships and is eager to have the same in the present. Perhaps, this is the reason why it is said that "marriages are arranged in the heaven but performed on the earth." It is also believed that when one meets such person, he or she is able to recognize that person with just one look and falls in love at first sight. Something like sparks fly, and there is an instantaneous and unexplainable chemistry between the two. And once they come together, they live together life-long with perfect and unending love, and promise to remain together again in their next lives.

It is true that no scientific evidence can be given to prove the concept of soul mates or twin flames. However, this can be accepted as a metaphysical reality. When we believe in the universal laws of karma and reincarnation (Sharran, 2009) and interrelate ourselves on subtle levels via our actions, thoughts, feelings and emotions, how can we deny the existence of soul mates or twin flames or twin souls? Perhaps, this is the reason why this concept has acquired a lot of attention recently, especially with the advent of the movies like The Secret in Western countries which supports strongly the Law of Attraction. Based on all these, it can be inferred safely that if one thinks and does the right things, and has the right feelings, his/her ideal mate is bound to appear magically one day as a soul mate. Since twin flames are eager to meet each other, they find out their ways. And we know, for souls, time and space is not a problem at all. Moreover, the theory of reincarnation says that when souls choose to enter into physicality, they are split into masculine and feminine aspects, As a result, when they take birth and grow to become youngsters, they want to meet anyhow to unite.

In practice, however, the likelihood of finding a genuine soul mate totally by chance is rare. One can consider himself/herself very lucky when it happens. Therefore, one has to get ready to find out his/her soul mate. According to Springett (2008), the greatest power to attract the desired soul mate is the will-power of the interested person. If one can muster all his/her will-power and put it behind the aims that he/she finds worthwhile, he/she is bound to get what he/she wants including the love of his/her life. She has suggested the following exercise as a part of the wish-practice method which can be used to attract the soul mate or anything one wants in his/her life:

Note: Keep up your wish for your soul mate at all times without getting impatient or pushy. And practice this inner communication as often and as long as you like. This exercise will create and strengthen the spiritual connection with the person you are looking for.

Male and Female Energy

In a soulmate relationship, this kind of realization is a must that both the partners need each other to be 'complete'. Since one is a male and the other is a female, their energies need to be merged with each other to create the sense of completeness. It is just not possible to experience the real romantic and erotic passion without the expression of feminine energy as a woman and masculine energy as a man. These two opposites, therefore, need each other in order to ignite romance and sexual feelings as wood needs oxygen to ignite a fire. It is thus the very incompleteness in ourselves that creates the wish in us to unite with the other lovingly on all levels -- sexually, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Perhaps, this is the reason why soul mates are also known as twin flames. Springett (2008) has rightly said that the best way to think of femininity and masculinity is to see them as talents or as natural inclinations. The trouble starts when we are not allowed to express our natural inclinations for one reason or the other. In a soulmate relationship we should always feel safe and comfortable sharing the deepest parts of ourselves. There should be a good give and take of energy and ideas and it should be honest, passionate and healthy. Along with this, the soul mates should accept each other as they are.

The term "soul mate" however, cannot be used only for husband and wife. In real sense, a soul mate is someone we are close to at soul level, and with whom we have had many shared experiences in different lifetimes in various kinds of relationships -- sibling, parent-child, teacher-student, best friend, as well as romantic relationships. There is a deep love for each other, and a spiritual bond that sets them apart from other people in our life. Sometimes, this kind of love can be also for pet animals and birds. We have thus many soul mates in our lives, and they come to us to help us grow spiritually. The job of our soul mates is to reflect back to us areas in our lives that are in need of healing. With our soul mates, we can work together to get to the bottom of a conflict, discover our hidden motivations or uncover deeply held fears that keep us reacting in negative ways. They are aware of each others' thoughts, feelings, desires and needs at a level that is hard to imagine. The depth of LOVE is such that they are ONE.

Creating Soul Mate Relationships

A human relationship is a living system like an organism which has the tendency to grow.

"We want you to think of your union with your partner as a vital living organism. It's a new being which the two of you have created, and it's alive! It can continue to live and grow and to contribute much to your individual lives and fulfillment if you nurture it and treat it like the valuable resource it can become for you and for your love partner" (Emmons & Alberti, 1991). In a soulmate relationship, all persons have to learn about Accepting Each Other and how to enhance the Intimacy in their loving partnership: "If love is the feeling that makes the world go 'round', intimacy is the ointment that greases the axle." Emmons and Alberti have come up with six key dimensions, which they believe provide a comprehensive framework for viewing and enhancing relationships. All these six dimensions have been presented as "The ACCEPT Model of Relationships" which says that the quality of intimacy or acceptance is determined by these characteristics: mutual attraction (A), open and honest communication (C), commitment to the continuation of the partnership (C), enjoyment of their life together (E), a sense of purpose for this relationship (P), and a mutual trust which honours and respects the other (T). All these factors are equally important and one has to simply maintain a balance among these factors. With this kind of balance, any person can get more and more from this relationship provided he/she has the art of developing it carefully.

For the first half of the twentieth century, individuals from all walks of life and religious backgrounds came to Edgar Cayce and received advice for improving their relationships with spouses, friends, families, work associates, and even with enemies. In all cases, Cayce outlined the same principles that "creating soul mate relationships with every individual in our life is one of our purposes for being in the earth" (Todeschi, 2007). Over the years, in seeking advices for their various problems, individuals have found a number of premises contained in the information of Edgar Cayce:

·         Ultimately, all relationships have the potential to be a purposeful and a helpful experience in terms of soul growth and personal transformation.

·         We learn most about ourselves through our interactions with others.

·         Our relationships with one another are destined to be repeated until they are healed.

·         As souls seeking personal wholeness, our goal is to eventually create soulmate relationships with every individual in our lives.

According to Springett (2008), "A true soulmate relationship is like an exquisitely beautiful flower that only grows in a well-cared-for and protected place. This flower has a wonderfully delicate scent that will enchant anyone who comes near. The joy and happiness of two people who are entwined in a true soulmate relationship can radiate far beyond the boundaries of their personal communion, and reach the hearts and minds of those who are longing for hope and truth." She adds further that anyone can cultivate this special flower in his/her own garden. For this, he/she needs to learn from where to get the seeds, and how to plant, nourish and protect the plant. She guarantees that if the following four dynamics are properly understood and carefully put into practice, a soulmate relationship can be achieved:

Commitment to love and to grow in love: It is the deep commitment of both the partners to love and grow in love that makes an ordinary relationship into a soulmate relationship. For this, they need to learn about how to take care of each other and how to sort out differences, if any. Edgar Cayce has also said the same thing that the soulmate relationship is an ongoing connection with another individual and that connection enables both the individuals to come to know themselves and to grow in their awareness of their relationship with the Creator.

The law of an even deal: In Buddhism, this law is called 'karma' which means you get back what you give out or 'as you sow so shall you reap.' If we look at relationship from this viewpoint, we shall come to understand that couples tend to match each other as keys match their keyholes. The two main areas in which partners match are:

Harmonious and erotic patterns between female and male energies: Both the feminine and masculine energies blossom most beautifully if they are balanced to a smaller degree by their complementary energies. If men are too masculine, they can become ruthless and overbearing, and may start breaking moral and legal rules in order to achieve their aims. Similarly, if women are too feminine, they find it very difficult to get up and do anything in order to change things for the better. Thus, soulmate relationships can be made heaven for women and paradise for men only when both the energies are valued and desired in the most beautiful way.

 

The unavoidable merging process between two people: People who are in love clearly take feelings, attitudes, and even bodily sensations from each other. In fact, the energy fields of two people in a sexual and loving relationship merge more and more into one energy field that envelopes both people and allows both of them to draw on a much greater variety of feelings, ideas and responses to the world. Therefore, in a long-term relationship, both the partners can exchange so much energy with each other that they become literally more and more alike. The woman, for example, can become genuinely stronger and more dominant without losing her soft and tender femininity, and the man can become genuinely softer and more caring without losing his masculine strength. This way, both the partners can enrich their own personalities in a very positive and healthy way, and can maintain soulmate relationship lifelong. 

Conclusion

We have seen how our need for people can make us dependent upon others. However, we have to learn how to enjoy the give-and-take of human relationships while remaining true to our own needs. Social psychologists have discovered several factors that help determine which relationships blossom and which ones get nipped in the bud. In general, they find that people are drawn to those who are (1) geographically available; (2) socially "appropriate"; (3) physically appealing; (4) similar or complementary to themselves; and (5) likely to respond in kind. But, apart from these scientific explanations, there are some spiritual explanations as well. They assume that there are souls we have experienced with in our past lives, and are experiencing again with them at this time in different bodies.  And, every time, we have had a feeling of deep and natural affinity, friendship, love, intimacy, sexuality, and/or compatibility with them.  Such persons are known as soul mates because the attractions are at the soul level. These attractions are sometimes instant (love at first sight) but many times by natural choice. And once they come together, they live together life-long with perfect and unending love, and promise to remain together again in their next lives.

A human relationship is dynamic in nature. Like a living organism, it goes on changing and growing. While ordinary relationships aim to be static and stable, soulmate relationships develop and grow like a beautiful flower. This, however, does not happen suddenly or by chance; we have to rather work for it. We have to nurture it and treat it like a valuable resource. It has been rightly said by Springett (2008) that "A soulmate relationship is actually a means of bringing out the best in us and making us more complete and whole over time than we have been before." As summarized by Diamond in The Secret (Byrne, 2006), followings are the secrets to relationships:

While following these secrets, however, we should not forget that the ultimate aim of creating soulmate relationships is to become whole so that finally we are connected to the Creator.

 

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References

 

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